https://twitter.com/KeetPotato/status/600056050025439232
My phone autocorrects 'sex' into 'pez' in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
— The Dark Side (@StaceyShortcake) December 28, 2013
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 26, 2013
[having sex]
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Her: Deeper!
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?— rob (@rockymomax) November 1, 2015
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) June 23, 2014
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 16, 2015
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] "Go on without me"
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) July 25, 2015
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 30, 2015
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) January 9, 2014
*pokes sex life with a stick
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 3, 2014
If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.
— Ham on Wry (@realHamOnWry) November 23, 2015
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
— ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) August 5, 2014
https://twitter.com/Sassafrantz/status/611214918503800832
Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
— DaBear (@astutenewf) January 18, 2013
