Hilarious Tweets about Marriage –
At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets
— X Alqee (@Xalqee) July 9, 2012
99% of marriage is waiting in the car for your spouse.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) January 30, 2016
I think my husband cleaned the bathroom, but I can't tell.
How do you tell?
— Stacey Gill Ink (@StaceyGillInk) January 25, 2016
I'm at the level of marriage where "getting lucky tonight" just means we're having tacos for dinner.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 27, 2015
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 12, 2015
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?
Me: it's brownies.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) January 23, 2016
MARRIED SEXTING: I'm not wearing any underwear…because you never put the laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 flipping times.
— Christie Johnson (@cjohnsonking5) September 19, 2015
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 18, 2016
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015
My wife got a Fitbit for the sole purpose of proving how many times I wake her up in the middle of the night by snoring.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 20, 2016
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) November 2, 2014
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015
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