Horoscopes | The Student Pocket Guide
Illustrations by Thomas Camp
www.campillustrations.co.uk
Everyone loves a good horoscope, so we took a look into our crystal ball and came up with a few predictions for the month ahead!
Aries
A shift in tidal patterns alters your luck, for the better. Everything you touch seems to turn to gold, from getting full marks in your exams to finding a £50 note on the pavement on your way to class. You really are the envy of all your friends, especially when you announce that Ed Sheeran has lent you his Nando’s Black Card having never met him.
Taurus
Venus shines with a resonating glow that makes you feel incredibly affectionate towards those of Leo and Sagittarius star signs. Sudden and uncontrollable physical urges will sometimes get you into slightly awkward public situations, but also deliver a few memorable, romantic experiences.
Gemini
Your dream of appearing on Deal or No Deal becomes a reality. You get to the final two boxes exchanging some top banter with Noel along the way, and would you believe it, you’re left with the big quarter mill and 1p… With nerves of steel, you make a fool of the banker, and become the youngest jackpot winner.
Cancer
Jupiter will align with Mars causing you to have a complete breakdown. You will wear a tin-foil hat and become convinced that the government is listening to your phone calls. You will appear on BBC Breakfast to discuss your theories, and will become an internet celebrity as a result.
Leo
You will suffer a bump on the head the day before your big exam and completely forget how to read. Fortunately, you had revised well enough before this, guess the exam questions as well as how to write, and still get a first. Bizarrely, all abilities are restored within two hours of the exam finishing.
Virgo
On a casual Saturday afternoon spent shopping in your local mall, a host of onlookers mistake you for a famous movie star. Swamped by people wishing to have their photo taken with you, your chilled day out turns into a pretty exciting experience. Rumour soon spreads around the city and next thing you know you’ve made the 6 o’clock news.
Libra
After the unravelling of Orion’s Belt, you lose all sense of control in your movements and can only travel from A to B by sprinting with your arms in the air waving from side to side. It takes only a matter of hours for you to become the latest YouTube phenomenon. Harlem Shake bites the dust.
Scorpio
After six numbers appear to you in a dream, you will win thirty million on the lottery. You buy a mansion in the countryside and turn it into the world’s largest indoor water park. Stairs becomes water slides, beds are replaced by lilos, and you hands-down become the coolest theme-park owner on the planet.
Sagittarius
After spending two weeks solidly playing Guitar Hero, you decide to pick up an actual guitar for the first time and lo and behold, your skills are off the scale! Word soon spreads along with endless requests for your services from bands across the globe. The Gods of rock music have certainly been kind to you.
Capricorn
You’re my boy Blue! Exams are over and summer is here, which means one thing and one thing only – partaaay! You play host to the most legendary party known to man, a shindig so good and so outrageous that Will Ferrell along with the cast of Old School fly over from the US and pat you on the back for your efforts.
Aquarius
There’s a saying that goes, “you only get out what you put in”. A phrase you fully understand. After discovering you made it onto Mastermind, you make the decision that around 100 encyclopaedias must be read, front to back, page by page. Needless to say, you win and set a record high score that will never be matched.
Pisces
It’s laundry time, which means your entire wardrobe needs a deep, deep cleanse. Problem this time around is that you only left yourself one tee-shirt to wear that day, a tee-shirt which for some reason only has one sleeve. After getting spotted by a fashionista on your walk home, the one-armed tee-shirt soon becomes next big thing with every major high-street store stocking your creation.
