Horoscopes | The Student Pocket Guide
Words by Neela Kumar
Illustrations by Thomas Camp

Ram into the New Year with a bang. Take control of your life and this year, instead of getting a diary, why not do something different? Replace a pen with a megaphone, allow the world outside your window to be your paper and announce your feelings to the public every single morning. You may annoy some of your neighbours, but YOLO!


Well, you’re certainly grabbing the bull by the horns! Your over enthusiasm can be a little tiresome for some but hey, you’re well and truly making the most of it and enjoying not giving a damn! Ever seen the Jim Carrey movie ‘Yes Man’? Anyone would think you played the main role. Pint half full please bar-keep.


This will be a year of two halves, and as we know, two halves make a whole. A hole you could fall down if you don’t look where you’re going! The best way around this is to carry a pocket cement-mixer to fill any unexpected holes that present themselves in your life. NB – Cement will not work on holes in pairs of socks.


Though you may feel crabby at the start of January, cheer up because great things are on the horizon. Forget your bikes, your cars and sail everywhere by boat because Cancerians are proud members of the water signs. Take advice from the most famous crab of them all, Sebastian, and migrate ‘Under the Sea.’ (Cool Caribbean accent not compulsory.)

Swallow your pride and allow this year to be a roaring success. 2014 is the one for you! However, the main concern you’ll have this year is ensuring that your head doesn’t burst. Even if you may look and feel like the cat that has the cream, it’ll turn sour quickly if you continue to act like a king. Hint – start playing the Spanish Lottery and let success come to you.


All the mistakes you made in 2013 are forgotten as 2014 brings a fresh start. There’s a first time for everything, so instead of dreaming of going to the moon, why wait?! It will be in your constellation at some point this year so when it looks closer than usual, put on your stilts and jump on a trampoline at the top of a high building – you’ll be orbiting before you know it!

There’s a fine balance between a great and a terrible year ahead, depending on how you start it. If you eat all the chocolate in the fridge then things may not work out well. However, if you eat ANTI-GRAVITY chocolate (or invent some) you’ll feel a weight off your shoulders and tip the scales in your favour.


Though 2013 crawled by slowly, 2014 will be a great year for you. You’ll be inspired to write satirical comedy sketches about the changing of the seasons and though it may not seem like a stinger of a topic, there’s more potential than you think! Weather presenters worldwide sing your praise and you’ll be the envy of all your friends who will be left in the rain when you get an umbrella brand named after you.

Step out of the limelight this year as things won’t centre around you. In fact, an unlikely acquaintance in the form of a Libra or a Taurus may need an alibi as they secretly plot world domination. The best thing to do is come up with a reason why you’re too busy to do so and go into hiding straight after. I hear, “I was washing my hair” is a beast of an excuse.


2013 was your year as goats became incredibly popular on the Internet. 2014, unfortunately, won’t be. Depending on whatever the new internet craze is, you should invent a new horoscope around this. People may think you’re kidding at first, but they’ll be the gruff ones when you become a Ryangoslingpion as it will become the best decision you’ve made all year!

Water has now been discovered on Mars, so don’t be afraid to get your feet wet when they ask you to investigate if there is juice on Venus. Your job will come with a free rocket ship, spacesuit and curly straws. If you have a thirst for adventure, then grab this opportunity and don’t bottle it! (But do bottle the juice if you find any – especially if it’s orange! Good luck!)

You finished last year swimmingly well and this good luck will continue into 2014. This is because you will find a four leaf clover growing in your garden and clone it to start a money making scam. People will be hooked on your product but if you start to feel guilty, plunge the evidence into the closest pond and go fish for a new idea!