Nightmare housemates! …and how to deal with them! by Jack Shannon
So, you passed the A-Levels, aced the entrance interview, dashed round IKEA to pick up all stuff you could ever need, hugged Mum and Dad, said goodbye to your hamster and now…You’re here. In Halls. With these guys, your housemates. Just like that weird smell in your new mattress, The SPG is always here for you! And just like that weird smell in your “new” mattress, The SPG is going to guide you through the nightmare world of first year flatmates!
Everyone’s broke. Everyone has to eat. However, The Food-Flitcher has his heart set on YOUR food in particular. It will start with something little. Some milk for his morning cuppa. A bit of spread for some toast. And before you know it they are treating your cupboard like their own personal buffet.
HOW TO HANDLE: First of all, don’t label your food like you are proud of it. It makes you look like a muppet and The Food-Flitcher will just get an added thrill from stealing your precious calories. Also, don’t stoop to their level or the whole university will break down into a state of anarchy and before you know it you will all be wearing black leather like in Mad Max. Instead, keep anything non-perishable like crisps, biscuits and sweets in your room, safely tucked under your bed.
The Party Animal is great! For Fresher’s week. But when everyone else has taken off the fancy dress and started to crack down on getting some work done, like the Duracell Bunny The Party Animal just aint slowin’ down. The first time you don’t want to go out because you have lectures first thing in the morning, they’ll call you boring and flounce off in a huff never to speak to you again. Just accept it when you hear them screaming the lyrics to Bad Romance by Lady Gaga at 3am while twelve of their extremely drunk friend’s burn smiley faces into your bread with a cigarette.
HOW TO HANDLE: You really do have your work cut out for you with this one. However, there is always a way. Chances are, The Party Animal will be doing something artsy like Drama, English Literature or Interpretive Dance. They will almost definitely be in a band or have some kind of creative output. Ask them to play/perform their latest masterpiece for you. When they have finished, applaud loudly with tears in your eyes. Tell them they are wasted here and that Paris needs them! Or just leave them to self destruct and get chucked off their course by Xmas. Your call.
Everyone at Uni lets themselves get a little bit sloppy, it’s practically a requirement of student life! But this guy just abuses the privilege. Early signs include plates from several days ago. Then plates from several weeks ago. Then plates which have developed and are plotting to overthrow their human masters.
HOW TO HANDLE: Subtle hints are not going to work here. If they can’t spot a huge pile of filthy plates in the sink, they are not going to spot a post-it-note saying “Ummm, can we all make sure we are doing our washing up please? THANK YOU.” No, drastic times call for drastic measures.
To handle Sir-Mess-A-Lot, you need to THINK like Sir-Mess-A-Lot! Don’t throw away that little bit of tea! Leave it in the cup to go mouldy, grow a friend and then gang up on him together! You can each battle your mouldy creations like Pokemon! Trust me; it will be a laugh and a half!
Post-it-Note-Pat. Post-it-Note-Pat. Post-it-Note-Pat and his black and white REFUSAL TO SEE WHY THE WASHING UP HASN’T BEEN DONE I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER CAN YOU PLEASE DO THE WASHING UP THANK YOU.
The polar opposite of Sir-Mess-A-Lot, Post-it-Note-Pat communicates exclusively through passive aggressive notes stating things that have not been performed up to their own impeccable standards. Every time a student leaves a passive aggressive post-it note, God kills a kitten.
Post-it-Note-Pat is the type of person who in later life will send a mass email to the rest of the office asking that people return their mug straight away “And there will be no negative repercussions” only to find out that the MD has drawn a moustache on it and everyone in the office has spat in it.
HOW TO HANDLE: Post-it-Note-Pat thrives on anonymity and moral superiority. Get down to the shops and buy a bottle of their cheapest and nastiest wine. Knock on their door with the post-it note in hand looking genuinely puzzled. Ask them to explain what they mean by this while swigging directly from the bottle. While they are explaining for the fifth time what they mean by “washing up” break down into huge sobs that you have failed them. That you wish you could be more like them and have your act together! Ask if you can come into their room to try on their clothes “just to see what it would be like…”
They will slam the door on you and never speak to you again. Or call the campus security. Either way, problem solved.
(NOTE, THE SPG DOES NOT ENDORSE UNSAFE DRINKING HABBITS OR EXCEEDING THE RECOMENDED 2-3 UNITS FOR WOMEN AND 3-4 UNITS FOR MEN PER DAY PLEASE DON’T SUE ME.)
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