Festivals are awesome! There’s music, dancing, drinking, the fun of sleeping in your third hand tent that still smells of sick from last summer. Who knows! You might even find that special someone!
However, buyer beware! The SPG has come up with a handy spotters guide to the seven guys you will meet at a festival…..
You know what’s great? Listening to professional musicians play their greatest hits on a live stage. You know what isn’t? Listening to a half-murmured rendition of James Blunt’s Beautiful while Acoustic Alan strums away at a badly out of tune guitar.
TOP TIP: Ask him if he knows how to play “The Ancient wolves of Broughty Ferry” or “How Do My Feet Hear?” by Simon Panty-Shield. He won’t. Because I just made them up.
Wristbands are a great souvenir from a festival. Remember all the good times. Maybe sigh a little before putting it back into a box where it belongs. Not Wristband Wayne. He is still wearing the entrance bands from the last few years.
Imagine how much you sweat over a year. Imagine how many gross things you touch over the course of a year. Now imagine they are all condensed on a piece of raggedy material on your arm.
TOP TIP: Don’t let him do the BBQ.
Last Year Larry
Last year was much better. Larry was there last year so he can remember. The bands were better. Sound was clearer. And Larry is pretty sure that the mud was a much better quality than the junk they put on the field this year. You were here last year Larry! WE GET IT! SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT!
TOP TIP: Cover your tent in tinfoil, pretend to be a time traveller and tell him next year’s festival was a lot better that this one as well.
When you graduate and move on to a “proper” job, get a house, steady GF/BF and dog, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to re-kindle your youth from time to time. But Past-It Pete takes the mick. The kids are with the wife for the weekend and IT’S TIME TO GO CRAZY BABY! Past-It Pete will be the one moshing hardest, drinking mostest and throwing-up-in-their-tent-the-bestest guy at the festival!
He’ll put his back out while trying to do a belly-button shot with some rugby lads and need his wife to come pick him up in the Ford Focus.
TOP TIP: Although epically uncool, due to his full time job, Past-It Pete is an amazing source of disposable income. And therefore, drinks.
Clad in skin-tight lycra, Morph-Suit Mike cuts a dashing figure. Stylish and practical, women want him and men want to be him. Try to pull him on the first day of the festival, because by the end of a full weekend of drinking, dancing and partying, that suit is going to be pretty smelly.
GREAT NEWS! He’s your new best mate!
BAD NEWS! He’s drunk. And irritating. And because you have a conscience, you’re going to make sure he gets to bed ok and doesn’t pull a Hendrix on you (Google it).
TOP TIP: There is no upside to this. A good deed is its own reward. Maybe guilt trip him into buying you a bacon sandwich. You’ll Friend him on Facebook and then never speak to him again.
The SPG Rep
Probably wearing a red and white hoody with a cheeky grin on his face.
TOP TIP: Buy him a pint. He’s a nice guy.