Okay, let’s be honest. There is no great way of dumping someone. It is usually a horrendous time for both parties involved and it almost always leads to blubbing and listening to Adele’s album on repeat until you can’t distinguish between Adele’s warbled ‘helloooo it’s me’ or your worried housemate who is deeply concerned that you haven’t washed since last Monday.
However, what is even worse than a breakup, is staying with someone who just not right for you. Maybe they drone on about football until you want to shove a match programme in your eye until it bleeds. Maybe they wore bootcut jeans and a cowboy shirt to your Nando’s date and ordered the chicken burger plain. Or maybe they just irritate you by chewing loudly and/or breathing. Whatever the reason, you need to move on.
But how on earth do you dump someone without being a horrible person and having bad karma for the rest of eternity?
Don’t use clichés
Using clichés such as ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ is the dumping equivalent of kicking someone while they lay on the pavement surrounded by chicken mayo wrappers, phlegm and discarded bus tickets. Clichés are great for pop songs, yet a cop-out when it comes to breaking up with someone. Avoid.
Don’t dump someone on Christmas day/their birthday/Valentine’s day
‘Well, that’s an obvious one’. You’re rolling your eyes, I can tell. But the amount of stories I have heard where someone has decided to break another’s heart on a very significant day actually makes me question society a little bit. Where is the compassion? Please wait at least until the day after before you drop the bombshell. It’s 24 hours to ride out, you can do it. Don’t be a drama queen.
Don’t dump via text/email
I was inattentively flicking through a magazine whilst at the doctors recently, when I saw an article which nearly made me drop my toffee nut latte down my front. It was about a woman who had been dumped by email. Email. This poor lady had been married for 30 years. 30 long years of stress, commitment and compromise. Yet, her husband thought it was alright just to let her know he was leaving by dropping her a little email. Madness. Even, if you haven’t been married for 30 years (I’m guessing you haven’t), you should still have the decency to discuss the breakup in person. If you can’t deal with the sobbing or if you have a hectic work life, then, at least phone.
Do dump by text if you haven’t been seeing each other very long
Just to make things a little complicated (apologies). If you have only had one or two dates, please don’t make them come to your house, just to say ‘sorry this isn’t for me’ leaving them to traipse home again. It’s England, so it is probably raining and cold outside. Texting them instead of a very awkward ‘date number 3’ means they can spend an hour or so formulating the perfect nonchalant response, meaning both parties can carry on with their lives with their dignity still intact.
Do dump them in private
Sure, you may be hungry and it might be 2-4-1 at your favourite Italian, but watching someone cry into their meatballs, snot into their chocolate tiramisu and then proceed to get appallingly drunk and shout at you, are not the ingredients to a fantastic evening, I can ensure you.
Do sugar-coat it
You may have a long and very extensive list on reasons why you are ending it. The reasons may be brutal. However, it is not mandatory that you provide a PowerPoint presentation on how you didn’t agree with their personal hygiene. All you need is a simple poo sandwich. Two exquisite slices of M&S’ finest pumpkin seed wholemeal bread, with a jellied eel filling. Firm but fair.
‘I have loved spending time with you… Alas, we have no chemistry and want different things….good luck with that project you’re working on though!’
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