Not only is it January, the longest trudge of deadlines, artic mornings and no one to go out on the razz with because everyone is inconveniently doing a ‘dry January’, but it is almost a month away from Valentine’s day.

We were still eating turkey sandwiches, when card shops across the country filled their window displays with garish hearts, flimsy flowers and crude cards with ‘will you be mine’ emblazoned across.

You will either be in one of three camps. 1) The ‘I love love and announcing said love with daily tweets, Insta pics and telling anyone in a 500-metre radius how your Jonny is so amazing at tennis’ camp. 2) ‘Ugh Valentine’s day is soOo commercial. I don’t need society to tell me when I should send my boyfriend an overpriced card’ camp or finally 3) ‘Oh look, I am alone again. Perhaps I’ll drown in my own tears and no one will find me until my body is all shrivelled up like a prune. Great, not only am I alone, but I am now very ugly and prune-like.’

If you are in camp three, chin up pet, me too. So you’re not that alone are you. Here are the stages you will probably go through this valentine’s day if you are single.

1) You will re-install tinder

You count the days from now till then and you have worked out that if you get a wiggle on, you may have time to secure yourself a date for Valentine’s day. Spend a bit of time flicking through your camera-roll to select your finest ‘girlfriend potential’ selfies (don’t forget that one which had 25 likes and 3 comments saying ‘u look amazing bbe!!’). Write a witty bio with at least one good joke. Don’t be stingy with the swipes to the right and good luck.

Warning: your Valentines date will be in Nandos, but on the upside, you can order halloumi.

2) You will ask everyone else what they are doing and then regret it immediately after

Humans are weird and when we’re sad and we insist on listening to Adele and Whitney Houston’s most heart-wrenching songs just to torture ourselves further. We’re not sure why, but it’s a little bit addictive. Almost like the satisfying pain you get from doing an intense spin session the day before (so I’ve heard, anyway). Why we are addicted to the pain of heartbreak I really couldn’t tell you, but for that very reason, we ask all our friends in happy relationships and ask them how they are spending the day of love. ‘Oh, I don’t know, I think we are just going to Berlin this year,’ my housemate told me as if she were going to Tesco to get some blueberries. Oh. I hope it bloody rains.

3) You will look back to that one time you had a boyfriend and wish you made a bit more of an effort

In my defence, I was 17 and I had A levels to study for. I was a bit of a mess and I always wore ballet pumps and leggings which were a little bit see through. Seizing the moment and doing something spontaneous in the name of love wasn’t on the top of my to-do list. ‘I’ll do the grand gestures and the OTT Facebook status next year! Or the year after, or maybe when we are married with four kids and a holiday home in France because our love will last forever! Okay, universe, I said I was sorry. I promise I will be nicer and a lot less naïve next time.

4) You will buy yourself some heart chocolates

Chocolates in heart shapes! Aww so cute. However, not so cute when you aggressively bite each heart in half as if it were your ex-lovers head. Also not cute when you eat the entire box, meaning you’re not just alone on Valentine’s day, but you also feel tremendously gross, bloated and on track for a sugar crash from hell in approx. 20 mins. Sob.

5) You will sigh theatrically when anyone asks how you are

‘I’M FINE.’ You say with pouty lips and arms crossed. You have a stray bit of mascara on your cheek. Have you been crying, or is it symbolic? Nobody knows. Nobody really cares either, so they will wisely avoid you for the rest of the day.

6) You feel surge of motivation and start an essay

You don’t need anyone because you are more directed then light baby! Who needs a valentine when you can have a first?! A first won’t flirt with your friends or forget your birthday! You feel motivated, as you open up the word document, you copy and paste the essay criteria on to the top of the page. Open up Neils toolbox. Google Books is ready. Oh but wait, you’ve just spotted the date in the bottom left corner. You didn’t realise it was a Sunday. Isn’t that supposed to be a day of rest? Hang on a minute, you can’t do this essay on the day of rest/love when everyone else is gallivanting around enchanting cities, sipping fancy lattes and staring intently in one others eye, comparing them to a summer’s day. That’s not really fair is it.

7) You will buy yourself a present

You have had a traumatic day of essay-starting, essay-giving-up and chocolate heart scoffing. You deserve that long pink fur coat from Missguided that you have been eyeing up since November. It doesn’t even matter that it still hasn’t gone into the sale, because honey pie, you are worth it. Today is not even that bad after all.

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