[looking up at the stars]
me: makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it?
dad: it should, you haven't done shit with your life
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 12, 2015
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
— Martin Pilgrim (@MartinPilgrim1) January 7, 2016
You may have just gotten engaged but I just put a fleece onesie on straight from the dryer
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) December 22, 2015
DATE: so are u democrat or republican
ME: why don't we save that convo for later haha
[googling under the table "what is demmacrat"]
— chuuch (@ch000ch) January 13, 2016
What a night
And a text? Killing it
ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 17, 2014
If some slut tries to steal your boyfriend, remember, that's actually her husband, & you're very drunk.
— lauren caltagirone (@MrsRupertPupkin) July 21, 2011
"&" looks like a little person sitting down and checking their shoe to see if there's dog shit on it.
— John Brennan (@UpturnedBathtub) July 14, 2012
viagra is caps lock for ur dick
— hOW DO I D;ELETE TWI (@egg_dog) September 12, 2012
Febreeze just makes my bathroom smell like I took a shit in Hawaii.
— Chris Young (@CYComedy) October 16, 2012
It's all good.
Me, at wine tastings.
— David's Soul (@david_tull) November 1, 2013
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
— nice eric (@ericsshadow) January 15, 2016
I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.
— aspersioncast (@Aspersioncast) October 4, 2011