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Hilarious Tweets About Life

By: Student Pocket Guide
Tweet

[looking up at the stars]

me: makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it?

dad: it should, you haven't done shit with your life

— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 12, 2015

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

— Martin Pilgrim (@MartinPilgrim1) January 7, 2016

You may have just gotten engaged but I just put a fleece onesie on straight from the dryer

— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) December 22, 2015

DATE: so are u democrat or republican
ME: why don't we save that convo for later haha
[googling under the table "what is demmacrat"]

— chuuch (@ch000ch) January 13, 2016

*Orders pizza*

What a night

*Phone buzzes*

And a text? Killing it

*checks phone*

ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising

— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 17, 2014

If some slut tries to steal your boyfriend, remember, that's actually her husband, & you're very drunk.

— lauren caltagirone (@MrsRupertPupkin) July 21, 2011

"&" looks like a little person sitting down and checking their shoe to see if there's dog shit on it.

— John Brennan (@UpturnedBathtub) July 14, 2012

viagra is caps lock for ur dick

— hOW DO I D;ELETE TWI (@egg_dog) September 12, 2012

Febreeze just makes my bathroom smell like I took a shit in Hawaii.

— Chris Young (@CYComedy) October 16, 2012

It's all good.

Me, at wine tastings.

— David's Soul (@david_tull) November 1, 2013

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

— nice eric (@ericsshadow) January 15, 2016

I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.

— aspersioncast (@Aspersioncast) October 4, 2011

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