Tweets guaranteed to make you smile
*calls up pizza place*
WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVEN? IF YOU'RE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART IT'S WORKING
— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 6, 2014
*Grates entire hand*
Please…I have a family.
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) July 8, 2014
please don't open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
— عيون الريم (@alrym03) May 7, 2014
COOKING HACK: if you put too much water in your rice, toss a few phones in there pic.twitter.com/hKNFpmfwAp
— Ben Cohen (@UniqueDude2) September 4, 2015
-The name's Bond. James Bond.
-I've written Bond now.
-Oh. Can you change it or is it too late?
-When your coffee's ready they'll call Bond
— joe (@mutablejoe) July 4, 2014
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 30, 2013
What's a 27-letter word for "Corn"? pic.twitter.com/lAyu5kKAEC
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) August 22, 2014
That awkward moment when you try to start a food fight by throwing a sandwich but the guy just catches it and says "thanks for the sandwich"
— Dr. Tyler Lemco (@tlemco) December 19, 2012
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) December 26, 2013
*approaches hot blonde at supermarket*
"Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"
— matt (@shadygrenade) June 5, 2014
Oh r u still using handheld beans? pic.twitter.com/Fq5He2iCYD
— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) January 4, 2015
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 4, 2015
My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) July 24, 2012
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) March 11, 2014
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