While some people love dirty talk, others like hitched breathing and panting, and some just enjoy hearing, well, nothing  – but whatever it is you like hearing in the bedroom, it’s definitely not these…

“Are you close?”

Well, even if they were, they’re not anymore. It’s like asking a woman to hurry up or telling her she’s taking too long – trust me, she’s already under enough pressure to “finish”. No one wants to feel rushed into the climax or feel like the other party isn’t enjoying it.

“My ex used to…”

If you think bringing up your ex during playtime is going to go down well, then you’re about to be seriously disappointed. It’s the easiest way to make your partner feel totally insecure, and you run a very high risk of completely turning her off and walking away as she leaves you to “sort yourself out”. No girl wants to hear what you got up to in bed with someone else, so maybe you should just keep your lips sealed.

“I don’t like condoms.”

That’s cool, women don’t like unwanted pregnancies or sexually transmitted infections either. Do you want to continue, though?
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“Can you finish yourself off?”

Well, yeah duhhhh – of course they can. But why are you there if you’re not willing to lend a helping hand? What a disappointment. Shut the bedroom door on your way out, mate.

“I watched this video online…”

She doesn’t want to hear about your late night sex streams, nor does she want to know that you’re thinking about the last chick you saw in a porno. Whatever you’re watching online – it probably won’t happen like that in real life; porn is often very far-fetched, just concentrate on the beautiful lady in your bed.

Your mum’s ringtone

It’s happened before, and it could happen again. The last thing you want to think about during sex is your (potential) mother-in-law. What could make this situation even worse? They actually answer the phone to have a chat with their mother while you’re lying beneath them. Please don’t ever be that person; switch your phone off.Bedroom
The wrong name

Regardless of whether it was an accidental slip of the tongue, or you’ve genuinely forgotten their name – it’s definitely not going to end well for you. There’s nothing more rude and insulting. Pack your bags and go!