Whether you’re firmly on the career ladder, addressing a mid-life crisis or taking your first tentative steps into business, it can be a minefield.

Finding the right job can take time, so patience is key. As is research – seek reviews of the company you’re approaching, seek advice from those in the know – in short, find as much information about who you’re working for as you can.

For many, achieving nirvana with a nine to five that pays well, provides an enjoyable work/life balance [**shudder**] and makes you bound out of bed every morning is improbable. For others, it’s an impossibility. Here are some of the best and worst jobs in the world.

Slaughterhouse Worker

  • Job description: kill and dismember animals
  • The great stuff: unknown*
  • The not so great stuff: permanently inhaling, and smelling of death, finding oneself repellent to others, killing and dismembering animals for money*, working in an environment of blood and guts
  • Ideal candidate: strong stomach, predisposition towards the killing and dismembering of animals, wellies

* Predisposition towards the killing and dismembering of animals is not nice

Crime Scene Cleaner

  • Job description: clean up blood, body parts and fluids from crime scenes
  • The great stuff: your own CSI experience
  • The not so great stuff: being surrounded by death, exposure to some of the very worst people can do to themselves and each other, nightmares
  • Ideal candidate: strong stomach, high endurance, elbow grease

Esthetician

  • Job description: squeeze spots
  • The great stuff: Ummmmm – OK for those who like squeezing spots, likely to be part of a wider beauty career
  • The not so great stuff: squeezing strangers’ pustules and pimples until they pop. Job takes you into firing line: risk of explosion: PPE recommended
  • Ideal candidate: enjoys squeezing spots, strong stomach, short nails¬†

Chicken Sexer

  • Job description: squeezing the crap out of a chicken
  • The great stuff: you get to cuddle baby chicks
  • The not so great stuff: being covered in chicken faeces, looking chickens straight in the anus
  • Ideal candidate: strong stomach, competent anger self-management, animal lover, gentle hands – would suit estheticians looking a new challenge

Animal Food Taster

  • Job description: tasting corrupted animal food and spitting it out
  • The great stuff: nothing – absolutely nothing. Not even getting paid makes this OK
  • The not so great stuff: eating bad animal food, risk of severe food poisoning
  • Ideal candidate: strong stomach, highly developed palate, absolute control of gag and swallow reflexes

Animal Masturbator

  • Job description: extracting semen from animals for the purpose of fertilisation or study
  • The great stuff: sometimes you can use an electrical stimulator
  • The not so great stuff: YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO WANK OFF A HORSE!
  • Ideal candidate: strong stomach and very poor short-term memory. We literally don’t know who is best suited for this job. And we don’t want to either

Paint Dry Watcher

  • Job description: observe paint drying to determine durability and colour changes of matt and emulsion paint
  • The great stuff: transferrable skills for other professional watcher jobs, such as with Netflix
  • The not so great stuff: it’s going to be very, very, very boring
  • Ideal candidate: sedentary. Or a sloth

Mascot

  • Job description: dress up to promote something
  • The great stuff: you might end up promoting a really great cause
  • The not so great stuff: hot and stuffy working environment, experiences of ridicule and humiliation: mascots are big in the world of food, sport and health, so be prepared to dress up as variously a piece of sushi, a chicken and testes
  • Ideal candidate: self-confidence, sense of humour, attention seeker, likes being warm

Maggot Farmer

  • Job description: growing maggots to be used as animal feed and fishing bait
  • The great stuff: no one could blame you for answering the question “What do you do for a living” with “I’m a Yippee ki-yay maggot farmer“.
  • The not so great stuff: smelling of maggots’ ammonia and dead animals/fish
  • Ideal candidate: strong stomach, fan of the Die Hard franchise

Equally, there are some truly amazing jobs out there and any candidate search would receive an avalanche of applications and the role wouldn’t stay empty for very long. That assumes, of course, that the incumbent decided to leave their job and frankly, with contracts like these, we think that’s very unlikely.

Biscuit Taster

  • Job description: check biscuits to ensure they’ve the right texture and taste
  • The great stuff: Omnomnomnomnom
  • The not so great stuff: yeah, right!
  • Ideal candidate: The Cookie Monster

Actually, this role requires an educated palette and the ability to identify subtle differences in texture. Based on taste, biscuit tasters are also able to make engineering and technical recommendations that mean the difference between a dunker and a dropper

Director of Wishgranting

  • Job description: grant wishes to make very, very poorly children and their families happy
  • The great stuff: you can probably request a magic wand on company expenses
  • The not so great stuff: for every wish you grant, there’ll be one that hasn’t made the shortlist. When you’re so good at making dreams come true, having to say no will be hard
  • Ideal candidate: Fairy Godmother

Private Island Caretaker

  • Job description: look after a private island
  • The great stuff: downtime is, essentially, a paid holiday
  • The not so great stuff: hard work, can be lonely
  • Ideal candidate: Robinson Crusoe or a hermit

Water Slide Tester

  • Job description: test water slides to ensure safety compliance
  • The great stuff: you’re testing water slides. Possible step on ladder to Winter Olympic career. You’re testing water slides like, all the time
  • The not so great stuff: you’re responsible for using a tremendous amount of water
  • Ideal candidate: a big kid who doesn’t mind getting wet or Eddie The Eagle

Professional Cuddler

  • Job description: share the love and make someone feel good, sessions of up to an hour
  • The great stuff: contribution to emotional wellbeing of people
  • The not so great stuff: jealous partner, smelly customers
  • Ideal candidate: Leonard from Madagascar

Seen something that appeals? Now, where’s that CV… Good luck!