Telling someone you love them is the scariest thing in the world. Scarier than a werewolf at a disco! Why is a werewolf at a disco scarier? Because of limited access to fire exits.  That’s why.

By Jack Shannon

But don’t worry! The SPG is here to help. We have told LOADS of people we love them over the years and our bitter, terrible rejections are now here to help YOU tell people that you love them and want to kiss them on the head and face.

1) Pick your moment.

You need to find the right moment to tell somebody that you love them. Preferably a dramatic moment.  Like what they have in the films at the cinema place. But you can’t always rely on there being dramatic stuff going on. Or can you? Find a mutual friend who is having a mental breakdown and hang around with them. Sooner or later something dramatic is BOUND to happen! So when the mutual friend is throwing ducks at the police and screaming you can be Mr Romantic!

2) Say it properly.

A good setting isn’t enough on it’s own. You need to say those magic words in the coolest way possible. You know who’s cool? Rappers. Dress up in your best bling and make sure you have a beatbox to make sure she thinks you are the most dope playa in the world! Know wa I’m sayin’ bruv?

 3) Women love flowers.

Women love flowers. But we don’t want them to love flowers. We want them to love YOU! Whenever you are out with your heart’s desire, show her how committed you are by aggressively stamping and ripping up any beds of flowers you see. She will think you are romantic as FLIP!

4) Carry around a $50 bill in your pocket.

That way, when you say “I love you” and she doesn’t look happy/bursts into laughter and/or tears you can just make it sounds like you are saying “I love you..lesscees. Ulysses S. Grant. 18th President of the United States.” Then take out the bill and kiss it gently before returning it to the pocket of your waistcoat. WINNING.

5) Be brave.

Saying I love you takes a lot of heart and a lot of bravery. You know who’s brave? Firemen. What I’m saying is, you’re going to need to start a few fires. No way around it…

DISCLAIMER: Don’t be a muppet….

By Jack Shannon